Family Matters Blog:

Program Eases Voting for Military Families

By Lisa Daniel American Forces Press Service WASHINGTON, Sept. 12, 2012 - With Election Day just 54 days away, federal voting officials want to ensure that service members and their families are prepared for their votes to be counted. The Federal Voting Assistance Program has made the voting process easier than ever for Americans serving overseas, Pam Mitchell, the program's acting director, says. The website includes a tab for each state's deadlines for registering to vote and casting absentee ballots. It also has online registration and absentee ballot assistance, and includes a mobile app. "We firmly believe that voting assistance for our absentee voters is absolutely the best that it's ever been," Mitchell said at a Sept. 5 Pentagon news briefing. "There are a lot of tools in our arsenal to help those voters both register, get an absentee ballot and to exercise their right to vote." If you prefer to go in person, there are 221 installation voting offices, all of which the program supports. "We've spent a lot of time reaching out to every single one," Mitchell said. The Military Postal Service Agency provides free, expedited ballot delivery and ballot tracking to your local election office for overseas-based service members and their families. Go to your local post office or postal clerk, use the Label 11 DOD form on your absentee ballot envelope and mail it. Go towww.usps.com to track the status of your ballot, according to the program's website. If you haven't received your ballot by Oct. 6, use the Federal Write-In Absentee Ballot, available on the website, as back-up. For each office for which you vote, write in either a candidate's name or their party designation, the website says. For additional help with the absentee voting process, contact FVAP at vote@fvap.gov or call 1-800-438-8683, DSN 425-1584 (CONUS)/312-425-1584 (OCONUS). It also is available on Facebook and you can follow on Twitter at @FVAP. "Our goal is to make sure that anyone who wants to vote has the resources and tolls they need form anywhere in the world to successfully exercise that right," she said.

Related Sites: Family Matters blog

Families Use Creativity

 To Connect With Deployed Loved Ones

By Elaine Sanchez American Forces Press Service WASHINGTON, Dec. 23, 2011 - Molly Blake will unveil a special guest on Christmas, someone who is an even bigger hero to her daughters than Santa Claus: their dad. Army Maj. Darren LoRe sends a message to his son, Sendoa, from Afghanistan, where he's been deployed since May. He'll connect with his family over the holidays using Skype and instant messaging. Courtesy photo  She'll use technology to enable her deployed husband, Marine Corps Lt. Col. Peter Blake, to participate in the morning festivities."We'll prop him up on the fireplace on the computer," she explained. From his fireplace perch, their dad's computer persona, which they've dubbed "Digital Daddy," will be able to watch as his daughters, Leah and Helen, open gifts. The lieutenant colonel's deployment to the Pacific marks his fifth in the couple's 10-year marriage. His wife, like many military family members, is accustomed to relying on creativity, and a heavy dose of technology, to keep her family connected throughout the holidays. "He's been gone for more Christmases than he's been home," said Blake, whose family is stationed at Marine Corps Air Station Yuma, Ariz. Her husband is the commander of Marine Attack Squadron 311. To help speed through this separation, Blake used aluminum foil to fashion a bucket in the shape of a chocolate kiss, which she calls a "kiss jar." The girls counted out one candy kiss for each day of their dad's six-month deployment and loaded them into the jar. They'll eat a kiss each day until he comes home, she explained. Blake also created a "Daddy Journal" for each of them with their picture on the cover. On a recent night when they went out for sushi, they brought the journals along and wrote about the experience. "When he gets home he can relive some of these things," she said. Overall, the girls are staying positive. They understand the importance of their dad's mission, she said. Blake said she, too, is focusing on the positive. Her husband left for his deployment shortly after Thanksgiving. But while he won't be home for Christmas, she said she takes comfort knowing other Marines will. "It takes the sting away when someone else will be able to be with the family," she said. Cammy Elquist LoRe also is coming to terms with a holiday separation. Her husband, Army Maj. Darren LoRe, has been deployed in Afghanistan since May -- his second deployment in four years. LoRe and her husband rely heavily on technology, such as instant messaging, to keep in touch, she said. She's also created a YouTube channel where she uploads videos of their 4-year-old son, Sendoa, directly from her smart phone. This way, dad's been able to watch his son's first at-bat in T-ball, she added. The technology will come in particularly handy this weekend, LoRe noted, when phone line connections will be bogged down with families trying to connect with their deployed loved ones. She said she'll upload several videos on Christmas so her husband, when he has a few minutes off duty, can watch their son open gifts and share family time. LoRe said she hopes the videos will boost his spirits. "[Deployed troops] have to focus on what they need to do and we tug heart strings every time, but I know it's appreciated," she said. The family also is planning a Christmas encore when LoRe's husband comes home in January for his mid-tour leave. LoRe said she'll save some family gifts and leave the tree and house lights up on display. Along with sharing in the festivities, "he'll get some satisfaction knowing he does the lights better than me," she joked. Meanwhile, LoRe is trying to insert special holiday memories for her son between a busy schedule of work and child care. Each morning, she wakes up early to take her son sledding or to bake cookies before their day begins. "The challenge is creating time and the mind-space and purposefulness into the day," she said. "I still have to work. Finding that time as a solo parent is my biggest challenge." Above all, LoRe tries to instill a sense of thankfulness in her son. The holidays can be tough on military families with a deployed loved one, she noted, so it's important to focus on what's important. Kathy Kling said she's grateful to have her husband home. He missed Thanksgiving this year, but arrived home from his deployment in Kosovo just in time for Christmas with his wife and their 9-year-old daughter, Laurynn. Army Staff Sgt. Jason Kling is a flight medic with the Pennsylvania Army National Guard. Kling said the anticipation of his arrival was nearly unbearable on Thanksgiving. The family Skyped before and after dinner, but she acknowledged, "it was still a little rough because it was so close to his coming home." She said she kept her husband close at hand while he was gone by setting a plate for him at the table -- something she does every holiday he's gone. While he'll be home for this holiday, her husband has missed many others, Kling noted, and offered some advice to other families dealing with deployments. She cited the importance of maintaining a sense of normalcy around the holidays. If you're used to being with family on the holidays, she said, then take a trip to see them. This support will prove invaluable if the holiday blues come creeping in. As a National Guard spouse, more than an hour away from her husband's unit, Kling can't easily access the support systems active-duty families have on hand on a military installation. So she's created them. She said she makes time to get together with other Guard wives, and they enjoyed a recent outing before the busy holiday season kicked in. "Family is a great support system, but other wives understand what I'm going through as a military wife," she explained. Kling also stressed the importance of communication, especially between husband and wife. They went through a tough time on their first deployment on this regard, but when she opened up, she said things got easier, and "I became happier," she said. Staying busy also can help, LoRe added. Take a drive and look at lights or participate in a holiday community activity, she suggested. "Separate from the madness and stress of trying to please everyone," she said. "Simplify. Make it about appreciating what's going right in your life." In the midst of the holiday rush, LoRe noted the importance of pausing to appreciate what you have, and to look ahead with a positive outlook. The holidays aren't just about presents and gatherings, she said, but also about "leaving the year and entering a new year." "The time may pass by slow, but it passes, LoRe said. "No matter how down in the dumps you might feel, this moment in time and what makes you feel down passes, and then we're on to another moment. "That day will lead into the next one, and then to the time when your spouse returns to you," she said. "And you'll be back together as a family."

Biden Spotlights Military Support at Kids' Holiday Party

Biden spotlighted the importance of military family support

By Elaine Sanchez
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Dec. 12, 2011 - Dr. Jill Biden, wife of Vice President Joe Biden, invited about 25 elementary school students, a few teachers -- and one special guest in Afghanistan -- to a military-themed holiday party in their home at the U.S. Naval Observatory here today.

Dr. Jill Biden, wife of Vice President Joe Biden, poses for a picture with students from White Oaks Elementary School in Burke, Va., at the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington, D.C., Dec. 12, 2011. Biden hosted a holiday party for the students to raise awareness of military families and the challenges they face. DOD photo by Elaine Sanchez

Throughout the party, Biden spotlighted the importance of military family support for the children -- a fourth-grade class from nearby White Oaks Elementary School in Burke, Va.After greeting each of the children -- all dressed in their holiday best -- at the door, she invited them to join her around the Christmas tree in her living room for a discussion about her own experiences as a military mom.
Biden held up a framed picture of her son, Army Maj. Beau Biden of the Delaware National Guard, with his young son, Hunter, in his arms. The picture, she told the children, was taken the day he returned from a yearlong deployment in Iraq. "I know what it's like to have someone in your family who is deployed," she said.
She then asked Army Col. Rebecca Porter, a clinical psychologist from the Army Surgeon General's Office, to talk to the children -- mostly from nonmilitary families -- about the impact deployment has on kids, especially during the holidays, and how students can support military families in their community.
Biden then kicked off her heels and joined the children on the floor in front of the tree to make holiday cards for deployed troops. The card-making event was sponsored by the American Red Cross' Holiday Mail for Heroes program, which collects and distributes holiday cards to service members, veterans and their families around the world.
But the event's highlight, especially for one of the students, was the holiday book reading in the next room.
Army Maj. James Blain, deployed in Afghanistan since June, appeared on screen to read the book "Mickey's Christmas Carol" to his 9-year-old son, Jimmy, and his classmates. Blain earlier recorded the book-reading through United Through Reading, an organization that enables deployed service members to video-record themselves reading books to their children. Deployed troops can read from more than 270 recording stations around the globe, according to an organization fact sheet.
Jimmy listened intently. He's been in touch with his dad, but mostly over the phone. There's nothing like seeing him face to face, he said after his dad finished the book.
His mom, Tina Blain, who attended the party with all four of her children, agreed. "Having the DVDs has been a huge bonus for us because we can see Daddy whenever we want."
Approaching the holidays without Dad is tough on the children, she added. "To see him so positive and so up going into the holidays is good for them," she said.
Biden also noted the importance of programs such as United Through Reading, which recently pledged to double its commitment to Army and National Guard families in the next two years. Since the program began in 1989, more than 1 million beneficiaries have been served, a news release said.
"It means a lot to children and helps them stay connected with their moms or their dads" while they're deployed, Biden told American Forces Press Service. "I know in my own family, my son read books to our grandchildren and they loved just hearing their dad's voice."
Biden noted that Jimmy's parents were worried that their 2-year-old son, Matthew, would forget what his dad looked like. This program, however, has set their minds at ease, she said, citing Matthew's reaction when his father appeared on screen at the party. As soon as he saw his father, Matthew, perched on his mom's lap, called out, "Daddy, Daddy!"
Biden said the party was intended to raise awareness of military families and the need to support them, which also is the aim of the Joining Forces campaign, a military-support initiative First Lady Michelle Obama and Biden started earlier this year. It's important for people without a loved one in the military to understand the military experience, she noted.
Particularly around the holidays, "it's important we remember and commit to an act of kindness," she said, whether it's taking cookies to a military family, bringing them dinner, or packing care packages. Biden said she and her family recently packed Christmas stockings for deployed service members together.
"We are ending the war in Iraq ... but we still have many, many [service members] deployed in Afghanistan," Biden said. "We have to remember them and be thankful for their service and what they've done for us and this country."

Related Sites:
Special Report: Joining Forces 
Joining Forces Campaign 
United Through Reading 
Holiday Mail for Heroes 

Scholarship Paves Way to Better Future for Army Spouse

By Alicia Brown
Special to American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Dec. 8, 2011 - Army Sgt. 1st Class Lizandro Mateo-Ortiz suffered serious injuries when he was run over while serving in Iraq in 2007. At the time, he was the family's sole breadwinner, supporting his wife and two teenage daughters.

Milena Mateo-Ortiz earned her bachelor's degree in health administration with help from a National Military Family Association scholarship. Courtesy photo

Suddenly, Milena Mateo-Ortiz found her life changed. She now had to find a way to support her family, and knew education was the answer. Their daughter, Stephanie, decided to postpone her college experience so that her mom could earn a degree.Milena now has a bachelor's degree in health administration, and is working on her master's degree, thanks to the generosity of companies and organizations such as Dominion Virginia Power, which recently presented $250,000 to the National Military Family Association. NMFA provides scholarships to military spouses like Milena, who wish to improve their education and become more employable.
Military spouses don't always fare well against the civilian workforce. According to the Defense Department's Military Spouse Employment Partnership, 85 percent of military spouses want or need to work, and military wives earn 25 percent less than their civilian counterparts. The program is one of many that experts encourage spouses to seek out for guidance, information and empowerment.
Without the assistance, Milena said, she couldn't have afforded to pursue a degree that will land her a good enough job to support her daughters and her husband, who remains on a feeding tube. Now she's also well on her way to what will be a proud accomplishment when she graduates in 2013.
For more posts like this one, visit�AFPS' Family Matters Blog.
�

A new home for Barbara Marshall, a Navy veteran

Eleanor B. Raines, a former Steps N Stages Jubilee House resident, hugs Barbara Marshall, 

Barbara Marshall is a Navy veteran who was selected to receive a new home from the "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" TV show. U.S. Army photo by Stephenie Tatum 

Mullen Praises Troops, Families on 'Daily Show'

By Jim Garamone American Forces Press Service NEW YORK, Sept. 13, 2011 - For a U.S. military leader trying to reach a different audience, it doesn't get much more different than "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart. Navy Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, talks with Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show," in New York, Sept. 12, 2011. The appearance was Mullen's third visit to the show, and his first since Stewart accompanied him on a USO troop visit to Afghanistan earlier in the summer. DOD photo by Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Chad J. McNeeley  Navy Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was Stewart's guest for the third time on the popular Comedy Central show last night.Mullen joked with the satirist about his plans for retirement and his decision to join the Navy in 1964. And on a more serious note, he stressed the need for military leaders to hear a range of opinions before making decisions. Stewart has been spending a lot of time with the chairman. He traveled to Afghanistan with Mullen this summer to thank troops in remote combat outposts and forward operating bases for their service. Stewart called it his "summer vacation." Mullen, whose father was a Hollywood publicist, joked about escaping Los Angeles in 1964 when he entered the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Md. Stewart asked about the chairman's plans after his retirement at the end of the month. "A long winter's nap," Mullen responded. The discussion turned to weightier matters, and the chairman praised the men and women who are serving today. They have served multiple deployments, he noted, and have done everything the country has asked them to do. "I've been doing this a long time -- since 1968 -- and unquestionably, they are superb," he said. Mullen said he and his wife, Deborah, who accompanied the chairman to the taping, try to represent the needs of service members and their families. "We try to stay in touch with them, so we understand what they are doing and what we are asking them to do, including the ultimate sacrifice," the chairman told Stewart. "I tell them ... there isn't a decision I make or recommendation I make that doesn't take their needs ... into account. The strength of our military is those men and women and their families." During last month's trip, Stewart said, he was surprised that Mullen had surrounded himself with people whose jobs were to challenge him and his thinking. "What I've found over the years as I've gotten into jobs with more responsibility is the diversity of opinions and views is absolutely critical," the chairman said. "It allows me, in the end, to make the best decision."

Biographies: Navy Adm. Mike Mullen

Military Kids are 'Incredibly Special'

By Elaine Sanchez  American Forces Press Service WASHINGTON, June 6, 2011 - I attended a high school graduation ceremony Friday night that blew mine right out of the water. First Lady Michelle Obama poses for photos with the graduates of Quantico Middle/High School at Marine Corps Base Quantico, June 3, 2011. DOD photo by Linda Hosek  Rather than a school or local official, First Lady Michelle Obama was the commencement speaker for this tiny class of 36 students at Quantico Middle/High School onMarine Corps Base Quantico, Va. Upon the announcement of her arrival, the students and their families stood and cheered for several minutes as she walked onto the stage. The first lady said it was an honor to help celebrate the Quantico seniors, and praised the military teens' resilience and strength as they grew up in a time of war, dealing with the combined stress of multiple moves and deployments. "I think that all of you are incredibly special," she said. After her remarks, the first lady stayed to help hand out diplomas. She gave each student a big hug and a few words of encouragement before posing for a picture with them. Between the first lady and their graduation, the students seemed a bit awestruck after the ceremony as they walked into the lobby. Ashtyn Morgan was in tears but told me they were tears of joy. "It was wonderful," she said, and it's all hitting home now." Classmate Tiana Bernal said she was surprised when she found out the first lady would be there. And the speech struck a chord with her, she said, especially when the first lady talked about military kids having to move frequently. Bernal has moved four times during her dad's military career, and one of her classmates has moved 18 times in as many years. Nearby, class valedictorian Brannon McKee Niblock, daughter of Marine Corps Col. Lester Niblock, embraced her family and friends. Like several of her classmates, Niblock plans to pursue a life of service, and is headed to the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy in the fall. I asked her what the first lady told her on stage after she received her diploma. "She told me to 'do great things,'" she said. Brannon's 14-year-old brother, Walter, scored a hug from the first lady as well. The teen called her an inspiration. "She took time out of her day to come here," he said. "It's something we'll remember for the rest of our lives." In the opposite corner, nine students posed for a picture together to mark their new bond. These students were from Defense Department high schools in Japan and had left with their families after the devastating earthquake and tsunami hit in March. Alexa Remington Lazar of Nile C. Kinnick High School in Japan said it was tough to leave her school before graduation, especially since the Junior ROTC unit she commanded there just received a distinguished unit award. But Quantico embraced her and her classmates, she added. Tonight she was all smiles as her family crowded round to congratulate her. Her father, Navy Lt. Cmdr. Chuck Lazar, had just arrived from Japan two days earlier after staying behind to assist with humanitarian efforts there. Lazar said he was impressed with the first lady's knowledge of what military kids go through. As for his daughter, "I'm still in shock," she said. "I got to hug the first lady." For more family-related posts, visit the Family Matters blog or check out Family Matters on Facebook andTwitter.

Related Sites: Photo Essay Department of Defense Education Activity Related Articles: First Lady Lauds Strength, Resilience of Military Kids

First Lady Michelle Obama and a 2011 graduate of Quantico Middle/High School prepare for a hug during commencement ceremonies on Marine Corps Base Quantico, June 3, 2011. DOD photo by Linda Hosek  Download screen-resolution Download high-resolution

Blogger Copes With Military Mom's Guilt

Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 4:55 AM

By Elaine Wilson 
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Feb. 25, 2011 - I'd like to welcome guest blogger Navy Lt. Tiffani Walker. In this blog, Walker writes about how she balances being a mother with being a military member, and the pride she feels in both roles. - Elaine Wilson

Guilt and Motherhood 
By Tiffani Walker 

Definition of tumultuous: riotous, turbulent, disturbed, moving across country with two small children while husband is 3,000 miles away.

Life has been tumultuous for me lately. I changed my career field and got a new job, I transferred from Washington state to Washington, D.C., I just received my household goods into our new home and I commute almost four hours a day, but all of those things are pretty "normal" for me.

What has me really spun up and wrung out is my other job, a mom to two amazing, beautiful germ-filled petri dishes that are my children.

I enlisted in the Navy 12 years ago when life was simpler and I was simpler. I had a sea bag full of things that were given to me and backpack full of things that were mine: a couple of pictures, a toothbrush and enough stuff to write home to mom and dad.

Wherever I went all I had to worry about was a small wallet to hold my brand new ID card and getting myself in to work the next day. Even when I moved, a new roll of toilet paper was provided to me. I can't remember what I did with all of my free time, but I wish I could find some of it now so I could figure out why I'm not hip anymore.

My children have changed my world and my daily calendar. I walk out the door with no less than five bags in the morning and my "free time" is now filled with things like "Cheernastics" and Mommy and Me swim, the smell of laundry and bleach wipes. I can't say that I would want it differently, but I can say that I am exhausted, kept moving through the days and weeks by guilt, my will to be a wonderful mother and diet soda.

Military moms have the regular parental guilt that comes from worrying if our kids have enough: enough interaction, enough activities, enough education, but we have more insidious guilt as well. The kind that sneaks into the house and sits at the dinner table when Mom or Dad is on duty (again) or on deployment. The kind of guilt that hangs around your neck like a weight when our child's arms haven't hung there for not just hours, but days, weeks and months.

I combat the guilt with simple things that I can control and try to let the rest go. It is a battle every day not to worry about the bigger things, but I manage by taking the time to breathe in the smell of baby formula and lotion when my son falls asleep in my arms at night and laughing when I see what books and stuffed animals my daughter has smuggled into her bed for the evening. My beautiful girl who talks of faraway places and has a section in her bookshelf dedicated to biographies and one to simply "Tinkerbell."

I take pride in my job and knowing that one day my kids will recognize that I got out of bed, put on a uniform that I was proud to wear, took them to day care and did the best I could everyday for them, for me and for my service. I hope they know I was lucky enough to be in the military and be their mother. 

Family Advocacy Launches Safe Sleep Campaign

Posted on Sat, Jan 22, 2011 at 8:38 PM

By Elaine Wilson

 American Forces Press Service

WASHINGTON, Jan. 21, 2011 - It was eight years ago, but I vividly recall the mix of joy and terror I felt after my daughter was born.
An Internet information junkie, I had researched everything from swaddling to feeding to putting my baby to sleep. But, as I'm sure other Web addicts can attest, I soon discovered a host of conflicting and sometimes confusing information.
Sleep was a particularly vexing topic. Should I put her to bed on her back or belly? Can I give her a pillow or blanket? Is it OK to co-sleep? My questions went on and on.
In the Air Force at the time, I was relieved to turn to trusted base resources for clarification and advice, particularly when it involved sleep, for both my baby and myself. And the resources for new and expectant parents are even more abundant and accessible today.
Most recently, the Defense Department's Family Advocacy Program launched a "Putting Baby Safely to Sleep" campaign to ensure parents have the most current, life-saving information.
The campaign's cornerstone is a blog for new and expectant parents called "Sleep Like a Baby: The Keys to Infant Slumber." In the coming months, the blog will include information and links to resources from a variety of subject-matter experts.
Topics will include preparing a nursery, caring for a baby while on the move, managing parental sleep deprivation and fatigue during a deployment cycle, health concerns related to sleep, talking to caregivers and extended family about safe sleep practices and more.
"It is in those first sleep-deprived weeks and months that new parents need good solid information and support in creating safe sleep environments and practices to ensure that everyone gets off to a good start," wrote Mary Campise, a licensed clinical social worker with the family advocacy program, in the first blog post: "Military Parents: This Blog's for You." Add in frequent relocations, deployment cycles and parenting solo due to military operations, and you can see how military moms and dads could use some unique support."
I encourage our new and expectant moms and dads to follow this blog and stay tuned for information regarding this important campaign. I know I will. Three kids later, and I still have questions!
To comment on this blog, or to read other posts, visit the Family Matters website.

Father, Son Serve Together

Posted on Thu, Jan 20, 2011 at 8:18 PM By Army 1st Lt. Nicholas Rasmussen of Task Force Lethal PAKTIA PROVINCE, Afghanistan, Jan. 20, 2011 - Most soldiers who are deployed miss their homes. But for Army Spc. Steven Starkey and Army Pfc. Andrew Starkey, a large part of what the word "home" represents is just a five-minute walk up the hill. Army Pfc. Andrew Starkey and his father, Army Spc. Steve Starkey of the Iowa Army National Guard pose for a photo Jan. 6, 2011, while deployed to Afghanistan's Paktia province. Courtesy photo  (Click photo for screen-resolution image);high-resolution image available. Steven, a 40-year-old mechanic by trade in Council Bluffs, Iowa, works as a wheeled-vehicle mechanic attached to Company A, 1st Battalion, 168th Infantry Regiment, which currently falls under the 101st Airborne Division's 3rd Brigade Combat Team. Andrew, his son, works in Company A's kitchen preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner seven days a week. Both Starkeys are assigned to the Iowa Army National Guard's Company F, 334th Support Battalion, out of Red Oak, Iowa. Both soldiers said they joined the Guard to serve their country and fulfill some personal goals. Steven enlisted in the active-duty Army in 1989 as a heavy equipment mobile tactical truck wheel mechanic. He was slated to serve during Operation Desert Storm when personal issues at home prevented his involvement. He was young and dealing with a troubled marriage when his chain of command made the determination to let him remain in the rear as his unit prepared to support Desert Storm, he said. "Looking back, I don't feel I was mature enough to handle the task at hand," he acknowledged, adding that his brief service helped him to mature and gave him cause to consider future opportunities for service. The events of 9/11 reignited that simmering ambition. "I felt like I had left something on the table, an obligation I had left incomplete" he said. So almost 15 years after his initial service, he began the process to rejoin the Army, eventually serving with the Iowa National Guard. The process wasn't easy. Steven had remarried and had three additional children -- daughters Ashley and Rachel and stepson Jon -- when he decided to re-enlist for active duty. Despite trying three times, the active Army would not accept his application because he had more than two dependents. Steven gave up trying for active duty after the third attempt. Then, in the spring of 2007, he met his daughter's soccer coach, a staff sergeant in the Iowa National Guard. The soccer coach informed Steven that the Iowa National Guard had waivers and programs to allow people in situations like his to join. A month after speaking with the soccer coach, he was at the military entrance processing station swearing in for service. A year later, Andrew raised his right hand and made the oath to serve his country, but he had a different reason: his daughter, Kyra. Being in the Iowa Army National Guard has given Andrew a means to provide health care and child support for Kyra, he said. "I plan to start a savings account with the money I'm making [on deployment] to help pay for her college," he said. But joining the Guard came with some additional, unanticipated benefits for Andrew. "I see myself grow every day," he said, "whether or not I enjoy it all the time." Before making his commitment to serve in the Iowa Guard, Andrew had a "loose-cannon mentality," as his father put it. He was an unruly youth who often did not think before he acted. That was nine months ago. Now, six months into deployment, Andrew is a much different person. "He's level-headed and can take criticism constructively like an adult," said Steven, who added witnessing this change has been one of the most rewarding benefits to come out of being on this deployment together. Steven said sometimes a father has to be a father, regardless of rank, and stick up for his son. "It's hard to keep the fatherly instinct at bay when I see my son getting in trouble by his boss," Steven said. "I often have to swallow my pride and know my place." The Starkeys act more like brothers or best friends when they're together here, calling each other by their last name and making fun of just about anything the other says. Though they work at the same company, the Starkeys still feel as though they could spend more time together. As trying as some days may get, they said, they usually find some time throughout the week to hang out and unwind together, giving them a chance to solidify, in a unique way, a bond that can only be made between a father and son deployed together. "The one thing that everyone else wants, we have: a family member on deployment," Andrew said.

Related Sites: NATO International Security Assistance Force

When he was "just a boyfriend."

Posted on Thu, Jan 20, 2011 at 3:29 AM

By Elaine Wilson of American Forces Press Service

WASHINGTON, Jan. 19, 2011 – I’m pleased to introduce a new Family Matters guest blogger, Megan Just, a Navy veteran and the editor of the weekly newspaper at March Air Reserve Base in Riverside, Calif.

Navy Lt. Megan Field, now Megan Just, poses for a photo with her then-boyfriend, Eric Just at Fort Bliss, Texas, May 27, 2007. Eric was visiting Megan while she was on a weekend break from Army combat skills training where she was preparing for a deployment to Iraq. Courtesy photo   (Click photo for screen-resolution image);high-resolution image available.

In this blog, Megan reflects on the sacrifices her now-husband made while she was in the Navy and he was "just a boyfriend." She writes about the important role significant others play in a service member's life and reminds us that while not all dating relationships end happily, all military spouses were first “just” boyfriends and girlfriends. 

Just a Boyfriend
By Megan Just
A gust of frigid rain pummeled my face. The hems of my Navy uniform pants wicked rainwater as I splashed across the sidewalk. Inside the dry safety of my car, I cranked the seat heaters to high. It was another stormy day in the long string of stormy days we'd had so far that winter. It was another day Eric would be soaked to the bone and hypothermic as he biked across town.
Faced with a half year of separation following my deployment to Iraq, Eric left the idyllic, sunny Southern California town where he attended graduate school to join me in Rhode Island.
Because the arrangement was temporary, we shared a car. In theory, Eric could have shuttled me to work and had the car to himself all day. The problem was, Eric was just a boyfriend. While he was allowed to drop me off, he was not allowed to come back on base to pick me up. And so he hunkered down and braved the rain.
One of the most important rituals in a military ceremony is to recognize the honoree’s spouse. The spouse is called on stage to receive a bouquet of flowers: a symbolic thank you for the sacrifices the he or she has made on behalf of the spouse's military service. These are always occasions for tears. The spouse's sacrifice has been great and it's been anything but easy.
Sometimes, when I observe these ceremonies, a lump forms in my throat. The sacrifices Eric made because of my military service ran a lot deeper than a few months of rainy bike rides. For the duration of my time in the Navy, Eric was just a boyfriend and therefore, he was never recognized for his sacrifices.

The truth is that, in many ways, the sacrifices of a service member's boyfriend or girlfriend are no different than those made by a spouse, but they make them without the benefits, recognition, commitment or support.

For a civilian, dating a service member is a lot more complicated than dating another civilian. Yes, there are all the acronyms that have to be translated and the silly little things you have to do (like sneaking your significant other in the backdoor of the gym so you can work out together), but there is so much more to it than that.

Eric has told me that one of the most profound peculiarities of dating a service member was the presence of a third party in the relationship. "It's like you're the most important thing to them, but Uncle Sam is more important."

It was our third date when the shadow of the Navy first altered our plans together. I had a rare four-day weekend and we planned to go rock climbing in Yosemite. I was not allowed to leave a designated radius from my duty station and Yosemite was significantly outside this distance.

Although I knew Eric had been eagerly anticipating the trip, I was afraid of being caught and I chickened out at the last minute.

We had only been dating a few months when I moved across country to my new duty station in Rhode Island. A few months after that, I received orders to Iraq.

"It's a scary prospect to date someone in the military because they are largely absentee," Eric told me once. "It's contrary to the idea of what a relationship is."

In addition to the separation, the deployment raised sobering questions we would have never faced so early in our relationship as a civilian-civilian couple.

As my colleagues prepared powers of attorneys for their spouses, I had to decide if I should list Eric as a life insurance beneficiary and include him in my will. He was just a boyfriend, but he also was the man I hoped to eventually marry. If I was hurt in Iraq, I wanted him to be the first to know. If I died, I wanted to recognize him not for the title held, but for his significance in my life.

Many military couples mitigate these complications by getting married right before deployment. This ensures rights of the significant other in the case of an injury or death, and it also provides perks, such as medical insurance, commissary benefits, a pay increase, and access to family support programs.

Eric and I had been dating less than a year when I left and we did not opt to do this, but he supported me through deployment like a spouse, nevertheless. He sent care packages, letters, e-mails, and he made funny little videos to keep me up-to-date on his life back in the United States. He ran a multitude of errands for me and he handled the details of our post-deployment plans.

Most importantly, he was available on the other end of the phone every time I called, no matter the hour, no matter what else I was interrupting. This was no small commitment; I called him almost every day of my deployment. It was because of this steady connection with him that I didn't implode from all the small stresses that add up while serving in Iraq.

Eric and I married a year after I got out of the Navy. Although he now wears the rank of husband, he is no more important to me than when he was just a boyfriend. He is still the same person I've loved all along and I know it was his continued patience and flexibility during our early years that made our relationship possible.

We've all heard our share of heartless "Dear John" stories, but it's important to not discount the contributions of the significant other during the happy periods of the relationship. Even if the couple never progresses to engagement or marriage, the service member's significant other has bent twice as far to compensate for the service member not being able to bend at all.

The military-civilian dating relationship is difficult, but there are things each party can do to make it easier. With our one-car situation in Rhode Island, for example, I started asking questions around base and learned that my commanding officer could write a special permission letter that would allow Eric to pick me up from work. It wasn't much, but anything that can ease external stress on your relationship is important, especially when you're working on the foundation of something you hope will last a lifetime.

As a former service member who had a civilian boyfriend, I have an appreciation for spouses' organizations that extend invitations to significant others, especially during deployments. I also think it's fantastic that the Reserve and National Guard's Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program welcomes spouses, as well as service members' boyfriends and girlfriends. After all, every military spouse was first a girlfriend or boyfriend.

As I look back on the years when my husband was just a boyfriend, I realize the guilty feeling I sometimes have at military ceremonies is not just because Eric never received a showy bouquet of flowers from the Navy. It is because I failed to thank him enough for his sacrifices.

Here are a few questions for you:

How did your experience as a service member's girlfriend or boyfriend differ from your experience as a military spouse?

How can a service member make the dating relationship easier for his or her significant other, and vice versa?

They daily face challenges at the ship

Posted on Wed, Jan 19, 2011 at 7:27 PM By Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Nathanael Miller U.S. Naval Forces Central Command ARABIAN GULF, Jan. 19, 2011 - Armed with scissors, clippers, keys to the ship's store and laundry detergent, the sailors who wear the crossed quill and key of the ship's serviceman, or SH, rating badge provide a multitude of services to the crew of amphibious transport dock USS Ponce. Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Harlan Jones, clad in a black barber's smock and awaiting his next customer, said the ship's serviceman rating brings a variety of services to Ponce. "Ship's servicemen provide services to the crew, generally anything other than what the culinary specialists provide and general parts the logistical specialists provide," he explained. Culinary specialists provide food service for the crew, while logistical specialists are responsible for all supply matters, but a gap still exists, Jones added, and the ship's serviceman rating fills that gap. Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Harlan Jones, a ship's serviceman, trims Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Patrick Smith's hair in the barber shop aboard amphibious transport dock USS Ponce in the Arabian Gulf, Dec. 22, 2010. USS Ponce is part of Kearsarge Amphibious Ready Group, supporting maritime security operations and theater security cooperation efforts in the U.S. 5th Fleet area of responsibility. U.S. Navy photo by Petty Officer 1st Class Nathanael Miller  (Click photo for screen-resolution image);high-resolution imageavailable. "We run the barber shop, ship's store, and laundry all at once," Jones said. "There's an SH in every one of them," he said. Navy Petty Officer 3rd Class Eric Chandler noted that sailors require several skill sets to be successful in handling the rating's diverse responsibilities. Security, laundry, sales, retail management and barber services are some of the skills a sailor must master to qualify, he said. One example of the daily challenges ship's servicemen face is keeping the ship's store stocked. "You can never know exactly how much you need in the ship's store," Chandler said. "You're constantly going up there to check up on it." Although the ship's laundry is not as labor-intensive as the ship's store or barber shop, it is just as critical to the crew's readiness. Even though Ponce has a "self service" laundry, a ship's serviceman has to man the space to ensure the machines are functioning and assist shipmates if there is a problem. Noting that clean uniforms are as much a part of daily hygiene and sanitary living conditions at sea as daily showers are, Jones said the ship's laundry affects more than morale. The crew's health can be at stake as well, he explained. In the ship's barber shop with their clippers buzzing and scissors snipping, ship's servicemen help to keep their shipmates' hair within standards and boost morale at the same time. "I love being able to help people out," Jones said. "There are little things about your self-esteem that start when you wake up in the morning. You look at yourself in the mirror, and if you have a messed-up haircut that takes a little bit off. Those little things start to turn into bigger things as you go along during the day." With the broad range of duties required, the ship's servicemen stay busy. Their efforts affect readiness as well as morale. Whether it's keeping the laundry running, selling candy in the ship's store or chatting with shipmates while cutting hair, the ship's servicemen said, they provide a valuable service to the fleet.

Related Sites: USS Ponce U.S. Naval Forces Central Command

Families Voice Issues, Concerns to Army's Top Leaders

Posted on: Tue, 26 Oct 2010 13:46:00 -0500 By Elaine Wilson of American Forces Press Service Photo courtesy : Military Mamas WASHINGTON: Military families and the people who support them had the opportunity yesterday to voice their issues and concerns about everything from mental health care to child care directly to the people able to initiate change. The Army's top leaders, including Army Secretary John McHugh and Army Chief of Staff Gen. George W. Casey Jr., invited military families to speak up about their most pressing challenges and spotlighted the programs that may offer some relief during a standing-room-only family forum, the first of four to be held during the 2010 Association of the U.S. Army Annual Meeting and Exposition here.  The importance of hearing these concerns and addressing them can't be overstated, McHugh said yesterday in his opening remarks.  "In order to be effective, we have to make sure we are taking care of those things that the soldier truly cares about," he said. "I've been to Iraq 15 times, [and] I've been to Afghanistan ... four [times]. One of the first things every soldier brings up is how much they care about, how concerned they are for the welfare of those loved ones they left behind.  "The last thing we want soldiers to be worried about ... is whether or not their families are being taken care of," he added.  McHugh said he was there to listen and learn, and so he kept his remarks short so he'd have time to take questions from the audience. The secretary responded at length to a question about the Army's efforts to prevent suicide among family members, acknowledging suicide is a "huge problem" for the Army. Servicemembers and their families are stressed after nearly a decade at war, he said, noting studies have identified a close correlation between rapid, persistent deployments and a lack of sufficient time at home to decompress. Experts say it takes at least two years at home, three ideally, to recover from a yearlong deployment, he added. "We've been falling short," McHugh said, noting that some career fields have been hit harder than others with a ratio of one year deployed to every year back. The Army, however, is making progress on that front, the secretary said, with soldiers now home for 15 to 18 months for every year they're deployed. And next year, he added, soldiers can expect to have two years at home for every year they're deployed. To boost access to care, leaders are working to bring mental health services closer to the soldier even when the soldier is deployed, McHugh said. And, he said, they're working to improve access to mental health services for families as well. He cited the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness Program, which features online mental health assessments and training modules, as a tool that can help both soldiers and families build resilience. Building resilience will be key for servicemembers and their families in the years ahead, said Casey, referring not only to suicide prevention but to the everyday challenges military families face. "The reality is, this is likely to go on for a while longer," the general said. "We have to strengthen ourselves." (Issued on: Oct. 26, 2010) Casey recalled his younger years as a self-proclaimed Army brat. As Casey and his family moved around the world, he recalled, his mother would tell him, "Make the best of it," no matter what the complaint or concern. But decades later, it became clear to Casey that the Army couldn't keep asking families to "make the best of it," he said. Instead, the Army doubled the amount of money for military family programs to $1.7 billion, an amount Casey said he's committed to sustaining. Now, with money in hand, military families have an abundance of programs at their fingertips, Casey said. But programs must be calibrated and customized to ensure they're delivering the right kind of support, he said, and redundant programs must be eliminated so money can be allocated to the ones that work. While it's comforting to know the programs are there, the Army can't possibly provide all of the support families need, said Casey's wife, Sheila, who accompanied her husband to the forum. Families also must look to what she described as a "community of caring," which includes community members and leaders, corporations and private organizations. "Our support network is much larger than just us," she said. The general's wife said she gained new insight into the challenges and difficulties military families face this past year when her younger son deployed with a National Guard unit to Afghanistan. "His deployment gave me a totally new perspective and education," she said. "It was terrifying that I was no longer in the position to do my most important job as a parent -– protect my child." Sheila Casey said she found comfort for herself and her son's family by tapping into the Army community, but she also acknowledged that much work remains to be done. "We've come a long way in understanding and supporting needs of families, but we're not there yet," she said. The Army needs the input of family members to shape and evolve programs to provide the greatest support, she said. "Please know you have a voice," she said. "Use it. You will be heard." As if on cue, a female audience member voiced a concern about the checks and balances for existing programs, calling for an external audit to combat the inconsistency of programs from one installation to another, a comment that was met with resounding applause. The audience members also said spouses are underemployed due to an intrinsic discrimination in hiring practices. Employers don't want to hire military spouses, she explained, knowing they'll be moving on in a few years. The general's response was decisive. Casey said he would have the Inspector General look into civilian hiring practices across the Army so he could gain insight into the issue. "The only way we can fix things is to keep shining a light on the issues," he said. The Caseys also fielded questions about the effectiveness of family readiness support assistants, who offer administrative assistance and logistical support to the family readiness group leader and rear detachment commander. The general acknowledged the FRSA program is fairly new and he said there's room for improvement. He encouraged people to submit suggestions so the program can evolve. His wife added that in many cases it's not the position, but the person who fills it. The Caseys were followed by a panel of Army leaders that included Lt. Gen. Jack C. Stultz, chief of the Army Reserve; Lt. Gen. Rick Lynch, commander of U.S. Army Installation Management Command; Maj. Gen. Raymond W. Carpenter, acting director of the Army National Guard; and Maj. Gen. Reuben D. Jones, commander of the Army's Family and Morale, Welfare and Recreation Command. The officers each took time to highlight family programs that come under their areas of expertise. Stultz said the Army Reserve's "virtual installation" program is proving to be a big success. Through the program, three Army Strong Community Centers have been established in remote communities to provide information and resources to reserve-component families. The center in Rochester, N.Y., he said, already has served more than 5,000 families and soldiers with more than 17,000 different types of needs. The centers not only are helping reserve-component members, but active duty as well, Stultz noted. Fifteen percent of the Rochester center's military customers are active duty, he said, as well as 30 percent of the family members who come there to seek help. Based on current success, people can expect to see more centers spring up in the months and years ahead, Stultz said. Family support must extend beyond branch and component to be truly effective, the general said. "We're all one family," Stultz said. "We're all sacrificing, [and] we're all making a commitment." Jones stressed the need for support of special-needs family members through the military's Exceptional Family Member Program. The program, he said, is about providing comprehensive, coordinated support to military families. Yet, some families, he added, have trouble navigating the school system as they move from post to post. The Army is working on this issue, he said, and already has hired 44 systems navigators to work with families. Many of the questions following the panel focused on special-needs children. One parent called for a buddy system for these children so they don't feel left out of youth activities they're unable to access. The Army is looking at standardizing programs that can help, Jones said. One post may have a helpful program, he said, but that ceases to be useful once the family moves. "We will get this problem and situations under control," Jones vowed. "I promise you that."

Biographies: Army Secretary John McHugh  Army Gen. George W. Casey Jr.  Army Lt. Gen. Jack C. Stultz  Army Lt. Gen. Rick Lynch  Army Maj. Gen. Raymond W. Carpenter  Army Maj. Gen. Reuben D. Jones Related Sites: Association of the U.S. Army Comprehensive Soldier Fitness